Sacred Possession

By Sharon Gourlay, HBCE, C.Ht copyright October 2007

The question was posed to me recently ~ “What is your one sacred possession”?  I had to determine what makes an object sacred first.  Sacred as defined in this manner means to me; an item regarded with reverence.  I immediately was able to determine exactly what this possession is–it is the baby blue, crocheted blanket that was wrapped around my son, on the day he died. 

Me and my husband were blessed to know my dear son Niko for two weeks prior to his passing on.  We got to hold him, love him, cuddle him, and get to know his healing heart.  He was in the NICU so when it was determined that he should be taken off of life support we were not prepared to dress him or have anything to use to hold him in.  The doctor and head of the NICU insisted we have the opportunity to dress our son before he passed away.  During his time in the NICU we were allowed to change his diaper, try to feed him, and even do kangaroo care (skin to skin) bonding.   Now that I look back from the perspective of 3 years, I am glad they had us do that.  You see they have volunteers who make clothes and blankets for the babies in the NICU.  Every child in the NICU gets one of these blankets when they are discharged.  I never dawned on me at the time how precious that item would become.  The clothes are put aside for those children who don’t get discharged but instead leave this world in their parents arms.

Niko was buried in the blue crocheted outfit that was made lovingly for him by someone I don’t even know.  Her impact on my life has been great because of her loving time spent making him the one outfit and blanket he got to wear once on this plane.  For this woman I am so grateful.  As they removed my son from our arms that day so long ago, the doctor handed me that blanket. 

That blanket has been in my arms so many days and nights since then.  I have shed many tears, said many prayers, and even smiled at a memory or two while holding that blanket.  It is now three years tattered.  For some reason I cannot find the strength or courage to even wash it in the laundry.  Knowing that it touched my dear baby while he was still with us makes me feel connected to his soul still.  I put it to the side most days in a safe spot.  But at emotionally vulnerable times I hold that blanket and rock myself to sleep, imagining my son is stroking my hair, telling me that he is in the care of the most loving beings ever. 

Some have said that three years is enough time to mourn.  I should be able to put his pictures, this blanket, and other items away.  I cannot do that.  I honor the place where I am emotionally, spiritually, and in the grieving process. 

Niko is still a part of my family.  I want my girls to know their big brother in some small way.  I think of his tiny feet and remember what a huge impact he made in my life.  A SACRED BEGINNING and a SACRED POSSESSION left to remember him through.

Www.sacredbeginning.com